Insanity?

It has been a long time since I have written anything. This used to be my space where I would chronicle my thoughts when I had nowhere else to put them. Over time, I felt as if my thoughts weren't important enough to put anywhere. Isn't that a sad reality? Maybe, maybe not. I think my problem is thinking that my thoughts have to be important to be said in the first place. That is honestly ridiculous. Thoughts come and go every second, maybe more. Believing that every fleeting thought I have during the day needs to be important is one of the most ridiculous beliefs that has ever entered my brain. I am literally writing with no purpose in mind, and that's okay. Each thought that comes may appear on this page. It could be deleted entirely, or maybe edited. Regardless, these thoughts are allowed to exist. It is okay to want to have a space to let your thoughts go free.

I have spent my whole life mastering having many thoughts at once. I am pretty sure that is how my anxiety started, and now it has just gotten worse. It stops me from being "in the moment." I want to appreciate the color of the leaves, the sound of the wind, and the sparkle of the snow from the sun. I want to be present in my relationships. I used to be an amazing listener. Honestly, I still am. I am just amazing at listening to the 5,398 thoughts that I am having at that moment. I hate that I can't focus on the people I love. They deserve the world, and I can't give it to them.

I am tired of thinking at this point. My thoughts have taken over so much that they have created the most realistic and exhausting dreams. I don't remember the last time I actually felt I had a full night's sleep. I sleep the recommended amount of hours, and my dreams never seem to fail me. They are always there reminding me of my fears and worries of real life. I want a break. Unfortunately, sometimes we don't get those.

I just caught myself thinking, "Oh, well. Nothing I am writing is important anyway." That is the exact opposite of this exercise, duh, Larissa. At least I am letting myself write nonsense. If you read this, you are welcome for the couple moments of break from your own insanity. Welcome to mine.

-L