Trapped

This time was different. This time... I was the one to walk away. I chose you for years, and this time I decided to choose myself. For a while, I was good. I felt empowered, confident, independent, and finally able to move on. But that feeling shifted. Slowly, I began to miss you again. I keep trying to push the feeling away, but it won't stop. I want to blame you for it too, but you listened to my request. You left me alone. The worst part is that I know it was easy for you. You have a girlfriend. You told me you wouldn't be with me because you needed to work on yourself. I really think you couldn't be with me because you had to work on her. I shouldn't be so mad at you because I know this is what you do. You string me along just in case you get too alone once you ruin it with someone else. I am partly to blame for that. I shouldn't love you like I do. I shouldn't stick around to be your back up plan. I am weak when it comes to you... so so so weak. It is different this time, though. I told you that I am done. But you are still the one moving on. You are still the one who gets to be happy. I say it is not fair all the time, but I am the one trapping myself now. I need to let you go. I need to move on. Why can't I? Life would be SO much easier if I could just forget about you. If I could forget every year you were a part of my life, I could be happy. I wouldn't feel so empty anymore. I wouldn't feel so trapped and betrayed.

The last time we talked, you told me you wish you could change what happened between us. You said you wish it hadn't ended. I know that's not true. That was just a part of your act. You knew exactly what I wanted to hear, and you told me just enough to keep me by your side. Looking back on everything that happened between us, I realize how twisted and manipulative you are. Knowing that, I should be able to give you up easily. Who wants to be with someone like that? But I love you. I have loved you for seven years. I don't think you ever actually loved me, though. There is no way you could do everything you did to me and love me at the same time.

I have so much anger. I go back and forth between feeling frustrated and completely in love with you. It's like my brain is trying to break out of this trap you made, and it works for a second. But it automatically gets sucked right back into this jail you created, or maybe I created, inside of my mind.

I think about you almost everyday. You probably haven't thought about me since the day I said goodbye. You don't feel bad. You don't care. You didn't love me.

It is hard for me to understand that. I can say it a million times and still never believe it. I want out of this trap. I want to be free from you. I want to be able to love and feel again. I just don't know how to break free from you. I hate it. I hate it so much. I just want to tell you, "Please, please let me go."

But it isn't up to you. Because, well, you don't care. This is on me. I need to let you go, and I have to free myself. I will get there. It won't be easy, but I have to try. If I don't...who knows what will happen to me.

-L